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Monday, March 8, 2010

Seven Month Mark

It has been seven months since the diagnosis of breast cancer (almost 10 since finding the breast and lymph tumors). I have to admit the last five to six weeks have been difficult. I have been challenged with pain and a jump in tumor growth. Almost the same night I talked about the tumors softening and dying, they suddenly hardened and grew...and grew...and grew. Then recently another tumor began growing on the underside of the breast tumor. It hangs like a teardrop and is very painful. Everything is painful. My breast also leaks which makes it hard to go anywhere. I cannot wear a bra because the pressure is intolerable.
For the first time I looked into the mirror at my breast and had fear flood my soul. It looked like it would explode. I was afraid I would loose my breast. My husband prayed for me and the peace of God flooded my soul. Fear has not pestered me since that night. Previous to this incident four different people spoke 'shalom' to me from the Lord. After the mirror incident I looked the word up to find that it not only means peace, but completeness, having all the resources I need. The root word it was taken from means 'to be whole'! The Lord knew the attack that was coming and prepared me for it. He is so good.
I cannot listen to what pain, tumor growth, or my body is saying to me and call it reality. When Jesus went to heal the official's daughter, messengers came with the news that she had died. In the natural she had. But Jesus told the man not to fear, only believe. When He arrived at the man's house He told the mourners that the girl was sleeping knowing very well she was dead. Did He lie to them? Of course not. He lives in a higher in line with the very essence of heaven. He took "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" very literally. He challenges me to do the same. My thoughts are to be that my healing is already accomplished, as it has been in heaven.
Emotionally I go back and forth between sobbing uncontrollably, to laughing hysterically (especially at Everybody Loves Raymond). My emotions are all over, but they do not dictate my reality either. I have deep peace. It is a peace that cannot be moved by my emotions. Illness can weaken our constitutions and make us feel out of control, but are we really? I am pouring my heart out to my Father. Whether happy or sad, He hears and comforts and I am safe in His arms.
I believe I am healed because Jesus paid for it 2000 years ago. I still believe He will make me whole. Nothing in the natural can change that. I hesitate telling you that my condition has worsened. I am a very private person and feel vulnerable. I really don't want to hear well meaning people tell me I should go to the doctor if I haven't been healed by now. Unless, of course, it is a word from the Lord. I am standing on the fact that Jesus is the only One Who can make me whole. Doctors would take my breast and my immune system (with chemo) and I am not willing to surrender them up. To me that would be utter defeat. The passion that burns in my heart is that no one should have to surrender body parts that God gave them to anyone to save their lives when Jesus gives wholeness freely. He does not require a sacrifice for your life or mine. He paid it already! I get so angry at the thought of poor Christians being dupped by the devil into giving up what God gave them and never intended for them to loose. I would rather die in faith than stop short of the prize now. I will see victory and then I will help others see victory in the mighty Name of Jesus!
(BTW, I do not think we are 'healed' when we go to heaven. We do not need healing in heaven. Our spirits will go to join the Lord until the ressurrection of our bodies...which when we die, go into the ground with the same cancer or disease we died prematurely of. We comfort ourselves with the thought that the person who died is now healed. But the sad reality is that we lost the battle! He has given us EVERYTHING we need to win. But there are always casualties in a war. Let's not make excuses for them and bring our theology down to our experience. Let's rise to fight for and pursue "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" God's will is life. It is the devil that has come to rob, kill, and destroy. Let's 'lift our eyes' alittle higher!) Thank you, S.J. Hill, for challenging me on this!
My reality is:
It has been prophesied recently that it is time for healing to be manifest.
The Lord has spoken shalom over me
Scripture declares in many places I am healed by His stripes
The peace of God is ours
According to my faith it will be done unto me
Prayer warriors all over the world are interceeding for me (Bless them!)
As a side note my last blood tests were improved from the ones before. It's great that the numbers are climbing and I was rejoicing until I talked to my nutritionist and he told me that my numbers are about half of what they should be. Talking about deflating your bubble! He seemed more concerned about where I am at this time. It was alittle sobering. He mentioned needing me to be a warrior...
I want to thank all of you who are praying for me. I cannot tell you what that means to me. I will try to update more often. Pain kinda robs my motivation for anything.
Blessings to you all!


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