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Monday, April 12, 2010

I'm 50 Today

Most of my family suprised me with a little impromptu party yesterday for my birthday. I enjoyed visiting. I cheated on my diet and had some of my mom's cooking and birthday cake. It was very difficult to sit downstairs comfortably and I really pushed my endurance.
The tumors hanging from the primary tumor on my breast are growing quickly and are constantly leaking sticky yellow fluid. It is pretty disgusting, really. I am in alot of pain even with pain meds we have been scrounging here and there.
Today (my birthday) I talked to my nutritionist. He thinks we need to do something to reduce the tumor load. That translates into surgery. There are drawing salves to use but they are painful and take weeks to work. He favors surgery. He asked us to pray about it and get back to him.
I am devistated. I know something has to happen right away. I am on the verge of asking my husband to take me to the hospital for surgery and pain relief more and more often. I am suffering through each day as it gets harder and harder to hang on. The only thing between me and some freedom from pain and imprisonment is my breast. It's so heavy.
I don't understand. It would have been alot easier to undergo surgery months ago than it would be now. It won't save my life and won't get all the tumors, but it would reduce the tumor load my body has to handle and give me some life back. If I have to choose between my breast and interacting with my children and grandchildren and participating in life I choose participating in life. But my point is, I shouldn't have to make the choice. I shouldn't have to bargain with the devil, "I'll give you my breast if I can have alittle freedom for awhile to hold my grandchildren." It sounds ridiculous to me. God isn't taking my breast from me. But it has been over eight months since I was diagnosed. If God was going to supernaturally do it wouldn't He have stepped in by now? I can't take one more day. I am so desperate for relief. Jesus help me.