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Monday, April 12, 2010

I'm 50 Today

Most of my family suprised me with a little impromptu party yesterday for my birthday. I enjoyed visiting. I cheated on my diet and had some of my mom's cooking and birthday cake. It was very difficult to sit downstairs comfortably and I really pushed my endurance.
The tumors hanging from the primary tumor on my breast are growing quickly and are constantly leaking sticky yellow fluid. It is pretty disgusting, really. I am in alot of pain even with pain meds we have been scrounging here and there.
Today (my birthday) I talked to my nutritionist. He thinks we need to do something to reduce the tumor load. That translates into surgery. There are drawing salves to use but they are painful and take weeks to work. He favors surgery. He asked us to pray about it and get back to him.
I am devistated. I know something has to happen right away. I am on the verge of asking my husband to take me to the hospital for surgery and pain relief more and more often. I am suffering through each day as it gets harder and harder to hang on. The only thing between me and some freedom from pain and imprisonment is my breast. It's so heavy.
I don't understand. It would have been alot easier to undergo surgery months ago than it would be now. It won't save my life and won't get all the tumors, but it would reduce the tumor load my body has to handle and give me some life back. If I have to choose between my breast and interacting with my children and grandchildren and participating in life I choose participating in life. But my point is, I shouldn't have to make the choice. I shouldn't have to bargain with the devil, "I'll give you my breast if I can have alittle freedom for awhile to hold my grandchildren." It sounds ridiculous to me. God isn't taking my breast from me. But it has been over eight months since I was diagnosed. If God was going to supernaturally do it wouldn't He have stepped in by now? I can't take one more day. I am so desperate for relief. Jesus help me.

37 comments:

  1. Jesus, help Denise! Surround her with your love and presence, give her guidance, and fill her with your peace that passes all understanding. Amen

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  2. Dear Lord....please hear the prayers and pleas of Denise.We know everything is possible thru You....the great healer.Show her the path you choose her to follow and hold her closely in your arms as she does. Fill her with the peace and calm only you can grant.....Thank you Lord for all your mNY BLESSINGA,kAREN

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  3. Lord Jesus, Who went about doing good and healing all, we ask You to bless Your friends who are sick. Give them the strength in body, courage in spirit, and patience in pain. Let them recover their health, so that, restored to the Christian community, they may joyfully praise Your Name, for You live and reign forever and ever. Amen.

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  4. 若對自己誠實,日積月累,就無法對別人不忠了。........................................

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  5. 幽默並不是諷刺,它或許帶有溫和的嘲諷,卻不傷人,它可能是以別人,也可以用自己為對象。........................................

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  6. 我們不是因為快樂而歌唱,而是唱歌使我們快樂..............................

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  7. 在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」....................................................................

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  8. 如果,人類也像鼠輩一般,花很多時間來吃飯和睡覺,一定會改善健康。 ............................................................

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  9. 愛情是一種發明,需要不斷改良。只是,這種發明和其他發明不一樣,它沒有專利權,隨時會被人搶走。.................................................................

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  10. Denise, I just stumbled upon your blog and see your last post was in April. Today I went for another PET scan to check on my stage 4 breast cancer, which has been in-active since Oct of 2005. The waiting is horrible. I hope since April things have gotten better for you. I hope you have had surgery and have gotten some relief. God works in ways that are strange to you and I but you have to continue to trust Him...He knows what He's doing. If you wish to contact me please do. I would love to help in any way I can. Never forget you are a survivor!

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