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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Will to Live

As usual, I am reading about 'the enemy' cancer. Today I was reading a book called Breast Cancer, Beyond Convention by numerous conventional and alternative doctors offering hope outside of the boundaries of the Big 3 in addressing breast cancer. It has some very interesting chapters about prayer, meditation, diet, etc. But one that caught my attention was on the will to live. I have often questioned whether I have a strong enough will to live because I just would not ever go through some of the things women do to treat their breast cancer. I ask myself, 'What's wrong with me? Why don't I go running to the doctors and beg them to save me?'
I do think part of it is that I just know that there are worse things than death. I have been through some things that in my estimation were worse. I also know that the system could not save me. Only Christ can. I knew from the moment of diagnosis He was my only source. But there wasn't the panic I see in people as they rush to look for answers to try to save their lives. I had no fear, only the peace of knowing Christ is in control. I didn't even cry, and haven't cried about having cancer, although I did cry about the thought of leaving my family in death, if that were to happen.
The doctor who wrote this chapter said the will to live was beyond us, a 'universal law' that is ingrained in our very fabric. We cannot loose it, but we can become detatched or seperated from it. In other words, when life is threatened, it will still do what it needs to survive. I took comfort in what she said, because it is true. God created us with the will to conqueor death and the enemy. He bread it into us. We may get weary, but I do believe when push comes to shove, we do what we can to cling to life.
She told several stories of clients who fought terminal diseases. She said one of the things that helped those who struggled connecting with the will to live was having someone close to them whom they could glean positive 'life force' (for lack of a better term) from. I began to think about my husband and his steady faithfulness, day in and day out to take care of me. Suddenly I realized my question about myself was wrong. It was not 'Do I have the will to live?' but 'Am I important enough to continue living?'
I remembered how I asked that question when my uncle committed suicide. 'Isn't our relationship (or in my 14 year old mind, aren't I) important enough to live for?' Then again, as my first husband replaced me with another woman, 'Am I important enough to stay faithful for?' and then again, when my second husband was self-destructing. 'Am I important enough to straighten up for?' I realized that I might be asking God that same question, 'Am I important enough to heal?'. But as I was having that realization, I also realized He was already answering my question and had been for many years... one of the ways was through my husband Eric's persistent, faithful love for me. All the things that happen in life can cause us to ask questions about the validity of our being here, but in the end it is God who has the final say as to whether we are important enough to live. He said we were important enough to send His Son to die for so we could live. That is the answer to the question. But, sometimes in life He sends special messages of His love, through people. Eric is one of those messages to me. He is a message every day of God's faithfulness and tender-loving kindness. He cares for me (a fulltime job right now!) and never complains. My favorite moments are with him, and if he wasn't there to share something with it would be bland to me. When I need alittle extra 'live force' I can just cozy up next to him! I am a blessed woman! I am important enough. Yes, I want to live.

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