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Friday, November 13, 2009

Cancer: It's About Me

I have ups...and then, like all human beings, I have downs. This cancer thing can be tricky to deal with. I am thankful that I have not had to deal with fear at all. From the time of my first ultrasound to this moment, fear has been absent. Even at the diagnosis, there was no emotional trauma, just peace. I know who my Redeemer is, and I am at peace with Him. He is my very present help in trouble, so what would I fear? Nothing.
My downs come in feeling like I am not hearing God's voice of guidance at times, and also of aloneness. Not loneliness, but aloneness. You see, I don't have all the signs of cancer on me. I am not nauseous and throwing up from chemo, not recovering from surgery, my hair is still on my head, I have lost weight but look very healthy, I don't have outward signs of illness. But I am fighting what doctors would say is an incurable stage of the disease cancer. Because of the lack of outward signs people seem to think I'm OK and can do everything I used to do. My immediate family knows that I can't, but others look perplexed when I can't do something they have asked of me. I feel misunderstood and forgotten sometimes.
Then, I don't know anyone else who is fighting this nutritionally as I am, who is as advanced as I am. I know one wonderful woman who is almost cancer free but her cancer was not nearly as advanced as mine is. The only person I have been able to find is Dr. Lorraine Day, whose teachings I have gobbled up. Her cancer was at the same stage when she started her journey as was my cancer when I found it and she has been cancer free for at least 12 years now.
Cancer forces an inward look at what makes me, ME. It makes me re-evaluate all I know and believe. The longer I journey without an outward manifestation of healing, the more I am forced to find out what makes ME tick. I was a full-time mom to eight children (step-mom to three more), am married to my third husband, and have always served others to the best of my ability. In all my busyness to care for others 'I' somehow got lost in the shuffle. Now I am forced to put ME first. It is disconcerting to have to purposefully think about how something is going to affect me before I think about the impact on others. The attention cancer brings in prayer meetings and conferences is difficult for me to handle. I like to be in the shadows and cancer yells for attention and thrusts me into the limelight. But it is a lonely limelight. Even the few who are thrust there with me don't want to be in the cancer 'club', so there is little comradere.
I have been told by my nutritionist that I have to get stress under control (my cortisol levels are high) but I don't feel stressed. Then comes more introspection. It seems a slippery slope into self-absorption so I pull out of it and just don't try to figure it out.
In all of this, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the Maker of Heaven and Earth. He has told me to rest in Him. The peace which passes all understanding is then mine and I cease from all my labors. I DON'T have to figure it all out. He will tell me all I need to know. With that assurance, I rest.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing all of this so transparently. I can identify with some things and only imagine others.
    I've spent most of the last two months traveling and will be "home" in a couple of days. Maybe soon we can catch up?!
    Love you lots.