I'm 50 Today

Most of my family suprised me with a little impromptu party yesterday for my birthday. I enjoyed visiting. I cheated on my diet and had some of my mom's cooking and birthday cake. It was very difficult to sit downstairs comfortably and I really pushed my endurance.
The tumors hanging from the primary tumor on my breast are growing quickly and are constantly leaking sticky yellow fluid. It is pretty disgusting, really. I am in alot of pain even with pain meds we have been scrounging here and there.
Today (my birthday) I talked to my nutritionist. He thinks we need to do something to reduce the tumor load. That translates into surgery. There are drawing salves to use but they are painful and take weeks to work. He favors surgery. He asked us to pray about it and get back to him.
I am devistated. I know something has to happen right away. I am on the verge of asking my husband to take me to the hospital for surgery and pain relief more and more often. I am suffering through each day as it gets harder and harder to hang on. The only thing between me and some freedom from pain and imprisonment is my breast. It's so heavy.
I don't understand. It would have been alot easier to undergo surgery months ago than it would be now. It won't save my life and won't get all the tumors, but it would reduce the tumor load my body has to handle and give me some life back. If I have to choose between my breast and interacting with my children and grandchildren and participating in life I choose participating in life. But my point is, I shouldn't have to make the choice. I shouldn't have to bargain with the devil, "I'll give you my breast if I can have alittle freedom for awhile to hold my grandchildren." It sounds ridiculous to me. God isn't taking my breast from me. But it has been over eight months since I was diagnosed. If God was going to supernaturally do it wouldn't He have stepped in by now? I can't take one more day. I am so desperate for relief. Jesus help me.

Things Happening

I recently developed more tumors. Two of them grew very quickly and are hanging off the breast tumor. Yesterday one started bleeding. I had an emotional reaction to the blood at first, but my husband and I immediately cried out to the Lord and the bleeding stopped. There is yellow fluid seeping from the tumor and I am wearing nursing pads against my ribs to catch the drainage.
I actually got excited because I am at a place of desperate need and feel the time is near for breakthrough! Prayer warriors are rallied around me and I can already taste freedom from these tumors. They are so big, cumbersome, and heavy, and draining so that I cannot go out in public very easily. I am a prisoner of sorts. Not much longer!! I sense victory!
We've had an influx of people calling to pray. A friend of a friend is calling a fast until 3:00pm tomorrow and then praying over the phone for me. We are asking all who want to join us to do so. I will report more as things unfold. I'm so excited and full of anticipation!

Finding My Purpose in Life

I FINALLY found it! I found my purpose in life! Can you guess what it is? I was made to worship the Lord Jesus Christ. Now, I have had a relationship with Him for 28 years. And all along if you asked me what my purpose was, that would have been my answer. But today I really understood that if that was all I did for the rest of my life (all alone in my confinement) it would be okay with God, and it would be okay with me. I always felt I needed to add something to that to please Him. But today I became so centered in Christ that to live is Him and ministering to Him alone. Everything else flows from that. But it now doesn't matter what that everything else is. I am completely content not knowing. He'll show me when it is time.
Oh, how wonderful being free of that thing in me that said I had to do something much bigger than I was doing right then (even if it was raising eight kids!). Nothing ever felt completely good enough. Even as I matured my head knew that, but my heart...that was another story. It came to a real head when my children finished moving out. I didn't know what I was here for and really had an identity crisis. I mean what else do you have time for when you're raising eight kids plus any strays that come your way? A lot of years of cooking and cleaning and wiping noses shapes a person.
I am rejoicing tonight. Holy Spirit really blessed me today and I feel breakthrough is coming. Praise the Lord!

Seven Month Mark

It has been seven months since the diagnosis of breast cancer (almost 10 since finding the breast and lymph tumors). I have to admit the last five to six weeks have been difficult. I have been challenged with pain and a jump in tumor growth. Almost the same night I talked about the tumors softening and dying, they suddenly hardened and grew...and grew...and grew. Then recently another tumor began growing on the underside of the breast tumor. It hangs like a teardrop and is very painful. Everything is painful. My breast also leaks which makes it hard to go anywhere. I cannot wear a bra because the pressure is intolerable.
For the first time I looked into the mirror at my breast and had fear flood my soul. It looked like it would explode. I was afraid I would loose my breast. My husband prayed for me and the peace of God flooded my soul. Fear has not pestered me since that night. Previous to this incident four different people spoke 'shalom' to me from the Lord. After the mirror incident I looked the word up to find that it not only means peace, but completeness, having all the resources I need. The root word it was taken from means 'to be whole'! The Lord knew the attack that was coming and prepared me for it. He is so good.
I cannot listen to what pain, tumor growth, or my body is saying to me and call it reality. When Jesus went to heal the official's daughter, messengers came with the news that she had died. In the natural she had. But Jesus told the man not to fear, only believe. When He arrived at the man's house He told the mourners that the girl was sleeping knowing very well she was dead. Did He lie to them? Of course not. He lives in a higher reality...one in line with the very essence of heaven. He took "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" very literally. He challenges me to do the same. My thoughts are to be that my healing is already accomplished, as it has been in heaven.
Emotionally I go back and forth between sobbing uncontrollably, to laughing hysterically (especially at Everybody Loves Raymond). My emotions are all over, but they do not dictate my reality either. I have deep peace. It is a peace that cannot be moved by my emotions. Illness can weaken our constitutions and make us feel out of control, but are we really? I am pouring my heart out to my Father. Whether happy or sad, He hears and comforts and I am safe in His arms.
I believe I am healed because Jesus paid for it 2000 years ago. I still believe He will make me whole. Nothing in the natural can change that. I hesitate telling you that my condition has worsened. I am a very private person and feel vulnerable. I really don't want to hear well meaning people tell me I should go to the doctor if I haven't been healed by now. Unless, of course, it is a word from the Lord. I am standing on the fact that Jesus is the only One Who can make me whole. Doctors would take my breast and my immune system (with chemo) and I am not willing to surrender them up. To me that would be utter defeat. The passion that burns in my heart is that no one should have to surrender body parts that God gave them to anyone to save their lives when Jesus gives wholeness freely. He does not require a sacrifice for your life or mine. He paid it already! I get so angry at the thought of poor Christians being dupped by the devil into giving up what God gave them and never intended for them to loose. I would rather die in faith than stop short of the prize now. I will see victory and then I will help others see victory in the mighty Name of Jesus!
(BTW, I do not think we are 'healed' when we go to heaven. We do not need healing in heaven. Our spirits will go to join the Lord until the ressurrection of our bodies...which when we die, go into the ground with the same cancer or disease we died prematurely of. We comfort ourselves with the thought that the person who died is now healed. But the sad reality is that we lost the battle! He has given us EVERYTHING we need to win. But there are always casualties in a war. Let's not make excuses for them and bring our theology down to our experience. Let's rise to fight for and pursue "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" God's will is life. It is the devil that has come to rob, kill, and destroy. Let's 'lift our eyes' alittle higher!) Thank you, S.J. Hill, for challenging me on this!
My reality is:
It has been prophesied recently that it is time for healing to be manifest.
The Lord has spoken shalom over me
Scripture declares in many places I am healed by His stripes
The peace of God is ours
According to my faith it will be done unto me
Prayer warriors all over the world are interceeding for me (Bless them!)
As a side note my last blood tests were improved from the ones before. It's great that the numbers are climbing and I was rejoicing until I talked to my nutritionist and he told me that my numbers are about half of what they should be. Talking about deflating your bubble! He seemed more concerned about where I am at this time. It was alittle sobering. He mentioned needing me to be a warrior...
I want to thank all of you who are praying for me. I cannot tell you what that means to me. I will try to update more often. Pain kinda robs my motivation for anything.
Blessings to you all!

The Fear Factor

The word cancer tends to elicit a fear response in most people. No one wants to be diagnosed with cancer. Cancer is seen to be tantamount to death. The words go together. It is because cancer is a device of our enemy, Satan, who is the author of confusion. His purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. Cancer happens when normal cells get confused about what role they are suppose to fulfill and become something they were never intended to be. They rebel...just like the author of confusion did.
Cancer does not scare me. It is not because cancer can't hurt me, if left to fulfill it's course, it most certainly can. In fact, it can kill me. But I am aware of a greater power. A power stronger than death. Jesus Christ beat death by rising from the grave Himself, and the Bible says,"If the same Spirit who raised Christ from the dead dwells in you, He will quicken your mortal body."
Even if cancer won by death, I am not afraid, because I can't really die. I am assured to live forever in God's presence.
But we Christians must understand that death is still the enemy. It cuts short the plans of God for a life. It is a battle won by the enemy because it snuffs out life. Jesus is life. He came to give life. We should never give up the battle for life or buy the 'Well, I guess it was just God's will' excuse for our failure to fight the battle. We are at war!
Pain is another word that brings fear. No one likes to suffer. I have been in some pain lately. Pain can be either good or bad. I do not try to interpret it. It can be healing or a symptom of something going wrong. I do not let pain lie to me. The Bible tells me I am healed. Jesus purchased healing on the cross with my salvation. Done deal.
The bottom line is: fear causes chemical reactions in our bodies that suppress our immune systems. It is a tool of the devil. If he can get our eyes off God and on to the thing we fear (cancer or pain), he has won. The Lord wrapped me in a protective cloak before the diagnosis of cancer. It is not in my own strength that I am not fearful, it is because of His Divine help. I cannot take credit. The same strenght and peace He has given me He will give to you. He is no respector of persons. Don't let the enemy get your eyes off the One Who is life.

Praise the Lord (ahead of time) for the Battle is Won!

I'm sorry it has taken me a few days to get this news to you. I received my blood test results Friday night and they were terrific! All of my immune functions have tripled my best results! Praise God!
But I knew the battle was won when I woke up last Tuesday. I felt it in my spirit. The Lord impressed me to just start praising Him for the finished work. This was after a long season of resting in Him. I literally felt like I was sleeping on my Father's lap...then I woke up and realized the heavens are open and it is time to praise Him once again. This battle started with praise and it will end with praise. I know that I know that the victory is secure. How could this be when I haven't fought for it?
Well, He did it, through His body. Many, many people have been praying for me as I have been sleeping...they have secured the victory that Christ already provided for me. I have rested and believed, but I know the body of Christ has fought for me, just like my immune system fights the cancer. It wasn't my battle, it was the Lord's.
The other exciting development is that the nutritionist and I believe the primary tumor is dead. About four weeks ago it suddenly became very heavy. I felt like I was carrying a bowling ball on my chest (this thing has a 17inch circumference, so it's BIG). I didn't understand the significance of that until I read an excellent book on cancer salves. It said tumors get very heavy when they die and you can have liver and digestive disturbances. That's what I have been experiencing. My liver results did improve but are still low. The tumor then began to soften and become moldable, like clay. This is weird! I wake up in the morning and my breast has taken the shape of whatever was placing pressure on it as I slept. It slowly regains it's own shape during the day.
I am excited and looking forward to the next step: seeing these tumors shrink and dissappear!
Please continue to pray for my liver and digestive systems, tumor shrinkage, weakness caused by the tumor load on my system, etc. The battle belongs to the Lord!

Five Months

It's been five months since being diagnosed, almost eight months since finding the tumors. I have had challenges lately with feeling weak. I know it is because I am anemic and am probably not getting enough protein. When I remember to eat bee pollen which is high in protein, I feel better. I am also taking molasses for the anemia.
The primary tumor got suddenly very heavy about three weeks ago. It was extremely noticable. I find it very difficult to wear a bra, even the very large sports bras I have been wearing. I read afew days ago that when tumors die they become heavy. Wouldn't that be something? I am wondering if that is why my liver seems to be overwhelmed. The same book said the tumor dying would cause gastric and liver problems as my body rids itself of the tumor. I'd like to believe that is what is going on. I will be sending my blood work in tomorrow morning to find out more. Until then...